I'm here as a "Standing Survivor" to tell you what God has BROUGHT me through, and what He's DELIVERED me from. I'm not ashamed of my testimony, because the outcome is JESUS WINS!I'm certain there are ones here reading this who have or are going through this sort of abuse or depression that I'm fixen to share with you.
I want YOU to know I'm speaking-out for YOU. God has given me the courage and the backbone to be the "voice" for us victims.
We all need to be "a part" of each others healing process, and to HELP one another through this sort of trauma.
It is only then, when we find ourselves Victorious Survivors.
*With that being said, I would like to mention, There WERE other siblings who were involved with this abuse in my home as well. But I will refrain from including them to protect their privacy. Therefore, I will ONLY talk about the abuse I endured, and what I witnessed through my own eyes.*
My Home Growing Up appeared To Be:
* Fun.
* Full of laughs.
* A church going family.
*A Father = who made people laugh. He was a prankster who was full of life.
*A Mother = who was loved by the youth at church, who one year was voted "Most Popular Counselor" at church camp and they gave her a standing ovation.
Mother ALWAYS made sure I looked my very best for church.
"What A Beautiful Painted Fictional Story."
What happened inside those four walls were:
* terror.
* fear.
* neglect.
* loneliness.
* hatred.
* bitterness.
* anger.
* abandonment.
* Mental, Physical, and Sexual Abuse.
A place where the innocence of a child was taken away. Movies that were being watched that should have NEVER been in the house.
Many times bills were not paid do to:
*Self indulgences of material things on my parents part.*
One instance, there was little to no food in my home, and I broke into a friend's house down the road, to eat a bowl of cereal.
Another time, when the electric bill wasn't paid, I was forced to go to our neighbors house, who I quickly found out was a "child predator".
Many times, I tried telling my parents; but it always seemed to fall on "deaf ears".
Dad chose not to believe; while on the other hand, Mom was guilty of this very abuse. She too was a victim and never sought help; but instead took her anger out on me.
Mom's "games" were cruel:
* I was forced to beat on another until there were bruises or uncontrollable crying.
* Mom would take 'advantage' of me in the garage, while my other siblings were at school and Dad was at work.
* Also at times, Mom would drop me off at the public park with NO food or water, and would finally pick me up around dark time.
{ It felt as though she'd forgotten about me.}
At some point, I had ENOUGH!
My Dad was confronted and was told what Mom had been doing. (Dad, who at the time worked 3rd shift and slept most days, was never around to witness this abuse).
Of course Mom denied every bit of it. And when Dad went to work that night, a price was about to be paid for TALKING. And it was painful!
The screams were so loud, that I started crying out to Jesus,
"Dear Jesus, please stop Mommy! Please make Mommy STOP. In Jesus Name, Amen."
I wish I could say it stopped there; but it didn't. It actually got much more worse.
Until one day, Mom didn't come home.
* 3 days went by, and still no sign of her.
* That Wednesday night at church, my pastor of over 25+ years resigned.
* I found out later on, my Mom and the pastor had been having an affair for over a year, and soon after were married.
THIS WAS WHEN MY DAD FINALLY BELIEVED ME ABOUT THE ABUSE!
He went on to tell me this wasn't the first time Mom had an affair. At that point, The "skeletons in the closet" started to come out. And for an 11 year old, this was extremely hard for me to process.
At this point, I was coming into my teenage years:
* Completely lost.
* I trusted NOONE.
* Started experiencing with drugs and alcohol.
* Quickly started losing respect for myself and my body.
* Willingly put myself in unhealthy relationships with men.
* Found myself in a deeper pit of dispare.
* Started believing NOONE wanted me around.
* I convinced myself, I 'was' a mistake.
Then came the suicide thoughts that quickly turned into "reality". I had overdosed many times on pills, I should NOT even be here writing this.
Many times, I sat in my car with the engine running in a closed-in garage. Again, I should NOT be here.
It took me placing "healthy boundaries" with certain ones (and FORGIVING them) and making a clean fresh new start.
And so the decision was made for me to move to Tennessee.....where my healing started to begin.
* Different ones had invited me to an Apostolic church. (I had never felt so ALIVE and FREE to worship in my whole life).
* Started really digging into the Bible.
* Started believing in myself.
* Started loving myself.
* Started being more independent. (Got me a good job and my own place.)
* Got baptized In Jesus Name.
* Jesus filled me with His precious Holy Spirit in a Revival in 2003.
Slowly but surely, chains were being broken. My "mind" was no longer bound. It took me believing in ME. It took others believing in ME.
I could finally deal with my past, because no longer was there someone saying, "Shhh, don't talk about this."
I finally felt "LIFE"......and it felt GOOD!
Later on, is when I would meet my future spouse, who at first I thought was a jail in-mate because he sat by Bro. Wes who I knew did the "jail ministry" at church. Jeremy (now my husband) also LOOKED like an in-mate. He would often work outta town, and hadn't had a hair cut in quite some time, and his long hair parted right down the middle, like curtains on a window.
Come to find out, Bro Wes and Jeremy are cousins!
:-)
Your spouse can either be a help or a hindrance. I am so very thankful my husband is a help. Soft words and a soft heart; who encourages me every day to live with a purpose.
Most husbands would run....in fear of not knowing how to help someone with this kind of past. But Jeremy has been my rock, my protector, my BIGGEST cheerleader cheering me on.
Now, I would like to share with you a VERY REAL vision/dream I had, that I feel is very important to add to my testimony.
"A few years ago, I saw a vision as I awoke in the middle of the night. There were angels hand in hand and they made a complete circle all the way around my house. I could see them moving (as in using force like when you play the game Red Rover). But NEVER did their chain break. I looked all around, but all I could see was darkness, pitch blackness BEHIND them."---Satan and his army will NEVER give up trying to tear your walls down. But if you keep the ONE and ONLY saving name, Jesus, as your Saviour, Protector, Strong Tower, Lord of ALL, He promises to fight your battles. He will send His angels from heaven to protect you. He will keep you from harm. But you have to give Him your ALL. Not just a little here and there....but 100%.
In conclusion, No matter how young or old you are, it's NEVER too late to deal with abuse, depression, or suicidal thoughts you may be having.
Do not go one more day feeling numb to the world.
It is nothing to be ashamed about.
Talk to someone.
If you have noone to talk to, you can ALWAYS contact or email me; and I will be happy to pray WITH you.
*Remember*
"No one should EVER feel alone!"
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